Project Runway Recap

10:02 Aw, snap. Dumping your model in the first model elimination. And while wearing a mesh hat.

10:07 Harvey Whinestein bursts into tears when Sarah Jessica Parker (looking quite a bit better than I've basically ever seen her looking) appears as the celebrity guest. The fash-testants will be designing a two-piece look for SJP's Bitten line. They fash-gasm. They will have 30 minutes to sketch, then will each have an opportunity to present their sketches to SJP herself, who will select seven designs on which the fash-testants will work in pairs. They fash-eye roll. My Gay Husband Tim Gunn tells them that the look will have to retail for $40 and their material budget is $15. Fash-steria. Fash-freak out. The designers clearly haven't considered the fact that the Bitten pieces are made in non-air conditioned factories in backwater Chinese towns by impoverished young women paying off exhorbitant bonds who make $.05 a day.

10:09-10:12 Sucking up, hugging, crying, name-repetition. CARMEN WEBBER yells her name at SJP as though SJP is a partially deaf fifth grader. She completely loses my respect when she shamelessly spouts a completely stupid memory trick that goes "'Carmen' like the opera, 'Webber' like the baller." Oh fucking barf.

10:13 She names the names. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth. In the end, she likes Christian, Rami, Elisa, Victorya, Kit, Stephen, and Marion. The Opera Baller looks furieuse.

Commercial: Nooooo Jeffrey Sebellia. Pimping fucking Saturns and the "secret" store behind Blends. Also, you've stolen JT's fedora and Joel Madden's skankosity and they'd like them back, post-haste.

10:19 The fash-chosen select the fash-rejects in a grade school kickball elimination.

10:22 Elisa measures her fabric by spitting on it. To "imbibe it with enery and essence." Sweet P (who, truth be told, really has not an inch of room to talk) says that she is on earth and that Elisa is on "some happy planet." It's called Xenu. Or maybe Xanax.

10:23 Ricky cry count: twice this episode. Dry the fuck up, weenie.

10:24 Stephen's skirt has a billion pieces. Tim looks skept. Stephen looks plagued. Tim moves on to Bad Idea Central, where Christian portends his demise by dismissing Tim's critique and interviewing that he is willing to hear criticism but doesn't think he always has to accept it. Ruh roh.

10:25 Tim shits all over Elisa's hand-sewing. Elisa's essence is broken and bruised.

10:26 Marion is a portrait of quiet desperation. He is also a portrait of fakey East Village bartender circa 2004.

10:30 We have our first gossip. Kit gets the Elisa-is-creative-and-unusual thing, but doesn't think she'll last long not knowing how to use a sewing machine. Sweet P commits to putting a beautiful garment down the runway. Christian is done. Sweet P tries to steam one of Elisa's seams into submission.

10:30 Product-placed services. Christian informs his model about the SJP involvement. They fash-gasm. Ricky and Jack's dress is pretty sick indeed and they're really working great together.

10:33 Kit and Harvey are surprised by how well it turned out. Heh. Marion and Stephen fucked up along the way and the fit is all kinds of off. Elisa and Sweet P seem to have pulled something off and they're both really happy. I can't get a good look at it yet, but it looks pretty cute. Victorya and someone have produced something pretty nifty and instruct their model to walk "stompy."

10:35 Marion and Stephen are having some serious fucking problems. They look a little fash-jected. This is getting kind of hard to maintain.

What the fuck is this Jessica Alba movie? I suppose I can't blame her for taking a couple million bucks just to look hot and frantic for two hours.

10:41 Harvey and Kit's outfit is cute, but the sweater is shizz-ort. It's not particularly accessible. Sweet P and Elisa's looks really lovely. Rami and Jillian's is nice and well-made and that's about all I've got to say. Marion and Stephen . . . yikes-a-roo. The fringe is completely nuts. Victorya and Kevin's model works the shit out of a really cute and really hip outfit. Christian and Carmen's outfit looks like a costume from Working Girl. Ricky and Jack knocked it out of the park. The neckline is adorable.

10:45 Victorya and Kevin, Elisa and Sweet P, Stephen and Marion, and Christian and Carmen are still on the runway. As to Victorya and Kevin's nifty dress and vest, SJP loves it and I do too. Marion and Stephen didn't quite get there. Heidi doesn't get it -- it looks like a dirty rag "from the basement." Michael Kors hates the proportion and makes a fairly inappropriate comment about Pocahontas involving headbands and feathers by which SJP seems completely mortified. SJP thinks it doesn't live up to the sketch. Sweet P and Elisa did a great job. Sweet P seems to be attempting to throw Elisa under the bus by criticizing her language and methods. Elisa wrecks her reputation by fessing up to the spit marking, leading Heidi to ask her what planet she's from. Elisa actually sort of responds coherently, saying that she doesn't know the language, but responds directly to the fabric. Kors admits that it looks fantastic and drapes beautifully. Elisa says that she comes from another planet, but she brings gifts. Ha. Aaaaaand . . . Christian and Carmen just missed the mark entirely. Michael, Nina, and Heidi say that it looks extremely 80s. MK invokes "Addicted to Love" and he's completely right. He gets even better in the confab when he references "The Facts of Life." Christian further tightens his noose by shutting down the other judges and asking what SJP thinks, because he's of the mind that it looks exactly like the sketch. She says that it looks quite more severe than it did in the sketch, and she's right. It also looks a lot more Last Days of Disco, but no one says that. 'Cept me.

Then Heidi goes a little whickety-whack and asks Carmen who should be sent home if it came down to her or Christian and she goes all weepy. Seriously, this isn't exactly Sophie's choice. Christian, to his credit, says that he would willingly go home as Carmen simply followed his instructions. She shoots the question at Marion and Stephen. Marion takes full responsibility. Stephen prevaricates that the failures can't be blamed entirely on Marion. Heidi shoots back asking whether they should both be eliminated and Stephen lames that he "doesn't like the sound of that."

The confab largely follows the same path.

Results of the Bravo phone poll are in and the audience trusts Tim's eye the most. Color me surprised.

10:58 In a surprise to no one, Marion is out. He doesn't feel like he was around long enough to show his talent and his viewpoint. This has changed his life. He wanted to win. He wanted to stay. Oh well. He's wearing a very weird jacket and I can't tell if it's ruffled or just worn.

NEXT WEEK: Michael Kors repeats my favorite line ever and calls another crotch "insane." I literally cannot wait.